Edward's Story: New Moon
by kbickel
Summary: The pain of a hundred plus years could never amount to this moment.
1. The End

New Moon: The End

Edward's Story

I took Bella's bag and dropped it onto the seat of her truck.

"Come for a walk with me," I said, keeping my voice even. I didn't give her a choice; I grabbed her hand and dragged her along the lawn, eastward.

I put the mask on.

I tried to keep my breathing even, but the two parts of myself were battling viciously; it felt like my superfluous lungs would split with the force of it.

The one half of myself, the sensible, responsible half, was winning. It was finally strong enough to leave her. I would make her safe. I would take every precaution to rid her of the dangers that hung over her head daily. The most significant of those being myself.

I had planned everything out.

I would make my leave, and she would grieve, like any human. I loved her a thousand times stronger than she loved me, but it would still hurt. Time would heal that, though. Yes, after time it would lessen and finally fade away. My face would disappear from her mind, the tenor of my voice forgotten from her ears. Along with the memories- wonderful and wretched.

Then she might find someone. He would see her, and love her. Not a millionth of a fraction of what I did, but it would suffice. He would treat her well, and she would gradually fall in love. She would smile at him and it would make his live, beating heart melt.

That's usually when my second half cut in.

_It screamed in contradiction. __No, no, no!_ This side of me believed leaving impossible.

Wanted it to be. It clung obstinately to her.

Bella was the sun, and I was the earth that was blessed so exceptionally to have the unworthy privilege of revolving around her.

This side of me was selfish. It didn't recognize danger. It recognized the impossible pull of irreversible, unchanging, undeniable true love. She was the reason for my existence. We belonged together. She was mine, and I hers. Forever. That would never change.

I was reborn in 1917 for one simple reason. To wait for seventy-three years until the love of my life was born, and then love her until the end of time.

This side of me needed no explanation. I had to stay. It was impossible not to. I _had_ to be there; I was not complete without her. If not for her, I would drift, float away with the next breeze. She kept me grounded, tied me to the earth. This side of me believed I had no choice but to stay and keep her out of harm's way.

This side of me was in denial, of course.

I was the one putting her there, in harm's way. Every day. Every second. Jasper's loss of control had proven that. It had been inevitable. And so my undying need for her would have to come second, and her safety first.

Destiny had given me two choices.

But I _would not _murder my true love.

And I _would not _doom her to a soulless eternity.

So I chose the only alternative left. Leaving. Freeing her of this burden that I had created. Willing myself to fight the force that pulled me back to her every time I walked away from her. I would make Bella live a safe, happy, human life. And I wouldn't be apart of it.

We walked into the trees just a few yards. I let go of her hand, half of me saying that was the last time we would touch. And the other half willing my hand to grab it again.

I leaned my back against a tree, creating distance between us.

My mask in place, I looked into her eyes. She was staring at me cautiously. She knew something was different. She was undeniably perceptive. I had no idea what she was thinking, or how long it would take to convince her.

"Okay, let's talk," she said calmly. I suddenly felt evil- like a person about to play some gruesome trick on someone unsuspecting.

I took a deep breath, pulling out the practiced script in the back of my head. My throat ached, not only from her scent. It felt like somehow my body knew Bella and I were separating. I felt my body change, like a human body preparing for starvation; storing the last remnants of what it survives on.

"Bella, we're leaving," I said quietly. It was easy enough to say these words. She wouldn't understand yet.

I felt her take a breath, too. "Why now? Another year-"

"Bella, it's time," I interrupted. She'd misunderstood the plural. "How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon, regardless." This wasn't exactly a lie. It would only be a matter of time, just like everything else.

Confusion creased her forehead for a moment. And then it slowly sunk in.

Her eyes went wide, her jaw trembled. "When you say _we_-," she began in a whisper.

"I mean my family and myself," I finished, making every word distinct, helping her mind comprehend it easier.

She still shook her head, identifying what I'd told her. I waited for her rebuttal.

"Okay. I'll come with you." I was afraid of this, but suspected it.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you." This was also mostly truth. Denali was not the right place for her. A houseful of vampires was no place for a human. Especially one of her luck, and frailty.

"Where you are is the right place for me," she said in a low voice. She was resolved.

Here it goes.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." The truth of my words made my voice sound wistful.

"Don't be ridiculous," she said, her voice higher now. Perhaps it was meant to sound angry, but it came out pleading. "You're the very best part of my life."

Agony. The way she regarded me was foolish, but the her words were music to my ears. I'd love to think my being in her life was somehow beneficial to her, but of course, I was not. Quite the contrary; I was the worst.

"My world is not for you," I told her.

"What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

Of course. "You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised you would stay-"

I cut her off again. "As long as that was best for you," I reminded her.

Ah, yes. She was starting to understand. Half of me was glad her acceptance would be quick, the other, betrayed.

"_No!_" Her voice rose. "This is about my soul, isn't it?" she yelled. "Carlisle told me about that and I don't care, Edward, I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!" She was such a silly girl. A soul that radiantly beautiful and strong should never be wasted on a hideous monster like me.

She was also incredibly stubborn. She knew where this conversation was headed, yet she fought against it. I had to convince her. I had to lie to her now.

A sense of finality hit me then. I would never see her face again. This took a toll on me; for a fraction of a second I felt my face crumple into horror. Anguish made my head feel light. I took a deep breath to steady myself, keeping my mask intact.

It took every ounce of determination to say those next words.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

_Don't believe me, please! _a voice cried inside my head. I realized it was my own. I watched her eyes, waiting for disbelief to fill them. I waited for her say "don't be silly, Edward, of course you do" but it didn't come.

Every second was unbearable. I could almost see the words replaying in her head, trying to make sense of them. She looked up then.

"You… don't…want me?" she whispered. Oh God.

_Yes! I do! God, I do!_ the voice pleaded. My brain panicked. I felt the two halves of myself, wrenching from each other. One pulling me deeper into the forest, the other pushing me toward her.

Convince her. You have to convince her.

"No," I said calmly. How? I waited for my façade to crumble. It didn't.

I'm surprised she didn't laugh. It was a such ridiculous thing. I had wanted her from the moment we met. In more ways than one.

Her eyes narrowed somewhat, she tilted her head slightly. She looked into my eyes, searching for a different answer than the one I'd given. I hardened my expression, making sure it was still in place. Her eyes widened again, not finding anything.

"Well that changes things," she said.

I felt that strange sense of betrayal again. Why was she taking this so well, and so quickly? I had to look away from her gaze.

"Of course I'll always love you…" I began. It hurt my mouth. "In a way," I finished. The pain was overwhelming; my words would soon sound unconvincing. So I closed off my mind, and let the lies roll out of my mouth of their own accord. They'd find some way to make sense. I numbed myself. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change."

It was getting closer now.

I continued. "Because I'm _tired_ of trying to be something I'm not Bella. I am _not _human_._ I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." I created a barrier around my mind. The feelings and contradictory thoughts bounced off of me.

I was numb, I was numb, I was numb. I realized suddenly I was trying to convince myself as well.

Her breathing accelerated. "Don't," she whispered. "Don't do this," she pleaded.

She believed me.

Her realization surprised us both. I was somehow not expecting it.

But I had to make it final. She needed closure. Disgusted with myself, I flipped around my earlier words.

"You're not good for me, Bella," I said in a cold voice that was not mine.

I watched in horror as her face fell and her eyes dimmed. She absorbed the words; she'd given up. Her eyes glistened with tears. I suddenly wanted to grab her shoulders and shake them out of her. How? How could she believe me? The numbness disappeared and excruciating pain came instead.

Keep the mask on. My face had no trace of emotion.

She began to say something, but faltered. Her mouth closed again. I waited.

"If… that's what you want," she said, accepting my lies.

_What? No! Of course not! Don't be stupid, Bella!_ the voice yelled in my head, furious.

It took every single ounce of strength I had in my body to move one muscle.

I nodded once. And my body went cold.

Tears were gathering at the corners of her perfect brown eyes. If one tear trickled down her face, I knew I would not be able to stop myself from embracing her, wiping the tear from her face, and whispering apologies over and over until she believed I loved her again.

I had to distract her. And I had to confirm just one last thing.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said, keeping my voice low and hard. There was no voice inside my head, just tearless sobbing. My selfish side had accepted defeat, and was now overwhelmed with the pain of my stone heart breaking.

"Anything," she vowed, her voice was strong against her choked throat.

I came so close to taking it back then. _So close. _

My sweet, brave, selfless Bella. Even after I'd declared my false rejection, she'd still keep a promise for such a monster as I was. But it would be easy, because no monsters would be around to challenge what I'd ask of her.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered, keeping her glazed eyes locked on mine. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I needed firm confirmation before the tears started falling.

She nodded helplessly. I restrained myself from wrapping my arms around her and kissing every surface of her body. I tried to distance myself instead.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him."I made my words as cold as I could make them, hoping to finally cut the last string that held her to me.

"I will," she whispered. She knew it was close, too.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I said, suddenly speaking to myself as well as her. "I promise that this will be the last you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again." For a fraction of a second, bad memories flickered past my eyes. It gave my voice more volume, wanting to speak the truth now. I owed her this much. But it still hurt. "You can go on with your life without any more interference from me." I paused for one second. I hated these next words. But these were essential. They completed my act. "It will be as if I'd never existed." I finished. The words were torture.

Her eyes glistened again, blazing with astonishment. She started to shake, as if she might crumble to the ground. Worry pulled me toward her. Her heart beat faster now.

Distract her. The tears were coming.

I tried to smile slightly, making my face look calm. When really my insides were rotting away slowly, my heart corroded and in pieces. I tried to remember Bella's smile. It helped me think.

I was relieved to realize that Bella's pain could be nowhere near the intensity of mine. And the understanding that hers would fade also brought a peaceful smile to my face.

"Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

She looked up. "And your memories?" she asked, her voice crackled. Of course she was worried about _me._

"Well, I won't forget. But _my_ kind…" I made the distinction clear. "We're very easily distracted." I could see the wetness double in her eyes, creating a glaze over them. I had to think quickly.

"That's all I suppose. We won't bother you again." I used the plural, trying to sound detached. Trying to make our differences evident. I took a step back, exaggerating the separation. Both sides of me hated it.

"Wait!" she cried, and part of me rejoiced. She reached out to me.

My selfish side tried to claw its way out to me, trying to grasp her.

The only thing more difficult than resisting the temptation to embrace her tightly in that moment was drinking her sweet, fragrant blood last spring, trying to save her life. Two halves of me battled then, too. One half _needed_ to save her. Could not exist without her in the world. I would surely perish if she wasn't. The other half was murderously resolved on consuming her until she was empty of blood.

The memory disgusted me, but made it easy then to wrap my hands around her fragile wrists and touch my lips lightly to her forehead. The warmth sent waves over me. I chose my last words carefully.

"Take care of yourself," I breathed. I was glad her eyes were closed; my mask fell and the grief started to seep through.

I stepped away.

And left her.


	2. The Call

New Moon: Edward's Story

I didn't even bother running. Time meant nothing to me anymore. Not that it had meant much before this. Now it seemed like a burden; a constant pressure against me, pushing me forward even though I felt too tired to move. And exhaustion was never something a vampire encountered.

I was hollow. My heart had stopped beating a century ago, yes. But now it wasn't there at all. There was a hole, of sorts. And each time her beautiful face filled my mind, that hole burst into flames. The pain I had felt in my throat when I smelled her would have been gladly welcomed compared to this tearing, ripping, scorching I felt now in my chest.

That face. Every fiber of my being yearned to see it again. A force seemed to pull me toward her. Yet I worked against it, fighting every hour. This was good for her. She was safe now. Safe from danger, harm, pain…soulless immortality. Safe from me.

I drug my feet across the dirt. Tracking was becoming more and more frustrating. Victoria was nowhere, it seemed. Even though I had come this far, it seemed like a lost cause now. She was obviously nowhere near Forks, if she was visiting places like Rio de Janeiro. She was proving to be a good subject, of course. She never stopped moving. She was always alone.

I laughed without humor when I realized we had that in common.

I had not spoken to my family for two or three months. They were not hasty to let me go, but they knew better than to argue. I had to leave them. I was too sickened with myself and I did not want them to have to live with that. If I would have stayed they would have tried to comfort me, which was a lost cause. I could not be comforted. I did not want to burden them with myself. I would make them feel worse, even though they hadn't done anything wrong. Not like I had. Guilt crippled me, cracking and snapping the links I held between my family and myself.

As I walked down the deserted street, I stepped into a perfectly round puddle. The shape surprised me; it was a perfect circle. I looked into it and my reflection rippled from the disturbance of my foot. I looked nowhere near the man I used to. But how could I say 'man'? Maybe 'creature' would be a better word. _Thing._

My hair was knotted, permanently windblown, wild around my white face. My eyes were pitch black, with dark purple circles surrounding them. I had not hunted in little more than a month. Although the thirst clawed at my throat, I could not make myself care.

My clothes were ripped and muddied. I left my shoes behind long ago, seeing no need in them. I wasn't acting human for anyone anymore. I cringed then. The thought of acting human only brought back cold, clear memories of why I did it.

Bella.

I stared into the puddle, seeing her face instead of mine. I wished it away quickly.

The face of Bella that I saw now was not happy, as I imagine any memory of a loved one would be. Beautiful, though it was, it held tormented shock. A sort of numb acceptance. Her eyes were wider than I'd ever seen them, glossy and pleading. They were glistening with tears, yet they had not fallen. No, I left before they could spill over.

What a disgusting coward I was. I had said the destroying words but I could not even stay long enough to watch what they destroyed?

Maybe I would have, if she had not surprised me with her quick belief of my lies.

I had felt it on my face, the shock as the lies I fed her were believed within seconds. She truly _believed_ that I didn't want her. But, I was practiced, so I felt my mask slide back into place before she could notice.

That mask fell as soon as I'd reached the opening of the forest. I stopped, too blinded by emotion to go any further. I screamed at the top of my lungs, knowing no one would hear me. I clawed at my forehead, feeling my head swim. I was gasping loudly. I bent toward a large boulder to sit, but instead I picked it up and launched it as far as I could throw it. I felt the vibration through the earth as it landed and rolled. I felt my knees against the wet ground. I looked up at the sky, only seeing Bella's face. She clouded my vision. I had to grip the ground, dig my fingers into the earth, to stay away. I wanted so badly to run to her, embrace her, say I take it back.

I gritted my teeth tightly, feeling another scream in my throat.

I had no idea how long I sat there. It could have been minutes, or hours. I finally got up and raced to my car, and drove to Denali without stopping.

The moment I got out of my car I heard their thoughts swimming in my head.

I had heard Carlisle's first.

_Edward, my son. I'm sorry. I know this pain must be unbearable, but I think you made the right choice. She will be safe now, free from the danger we have inflicted on her._

Jasper's apologies came next. His pleading only sickened me more. _Please Edward, I am to blame here. Please forgive me. If I had never…_

_He looks horrible. How could this possibly help? Well I won't contest his decision if he thinks this is best. I guess I should probably hide my visions of Bella for awhile…_ I was surprised Alice had not greeted me herself, but she seemed caught up in her own thoughts.

Even Rosalie and Emmett were more concerned with deciding on what to say to me than on thinking it. Maybe they thought I wouldn't pay attention. I wish.

I felt Esme's gaze burning into me as I looked at the ground, unable to meet any of their eyes. She didn't frame a thought, but I felt the intense motherly worry practically radiating from her.

Just then I heard five more pairs of feet gliding toward us in the snow. Tanya, Kate, Irina, Carmen, and Eleazar stepped forward to greet me. Tanya's mental tone was louder than any other as she approached.

_Edward, finally! I'm so glad you're here. Carlisle explained, I'm truly sorry for what has happened. I wish I could…_ I blocked out her useless coddling.

"I'd like to hunt," I said quietly, shutting the car door and stopping a few yards from my audience. I still looked none of them in the eye.

All of them were silent. It was clear I was making them all uncomfortable. Except for Tanya, of course.

"Good. I'll go with-"

"I'd like to go alone," I said harshly, not letting her finish. I knew it was cruel, but I could not remember how to be a gentleman just then. I had left all of who I was miles away.

I could hear Tanya's hurt intake of breath. No one spoke.

"Of course," Carlisle said eventually. "We'll leave you to it, Edward. Hurry back, though. We've missed you." He started to reach for my shoulder, but thought better of it. I was glad; I would've instinctively shoved it away before thinking.

I darted towards the mountains and waited until a scent found me. It didn't take long. I finished the bear quickly, but took my time on my way back. My mind was free of others' thoughts, as I was miles away from everyone. The silence seemed to trigger the scream I held in my throat. I forced it back down, welcoming the numbness that came instead.

Everyone had gone inside except for Alice. She waited for me in front of the house. She didn't think, only watched as I approached. As soon as I began to walk up the path, she held out her arms to embrace me. Her face was saddened. Yes, she missed Bella as I did. Though, I was not in the mood to be comforted. But I could feel the low rumbling inside me. The echoing of the scream I held. I ignored it.

"Edward," she said simply. I rudely walked past her, her arms still open wide.

She turned and grabbed my shoulder to stop me. I shook it roughly off. She tried again, grabbing the back of my shirt. I turned around and shoved her with unforgivable force.

She flew back onto the ground twenty feet from me, her eyes wide.

I couldn't believe what I'd done. I darted over to her, my own eyes wide with disbelief. I mumbled apologies to her, but even I couldn't make sense of them. I knelt over her, trying to lift her to her feet, but my arms finally went numb. The rumbling inside me burst threw me like a geyser and I fell to my knees.

Pain overwhelmed me. I stared, seeing nothing. My mouth hung open, but no words formed. Tearless sobs ripped through me before I could stop them. I felt Alice pull me into her tiny arms and cradle me like a child on the ground. I was too overcome with the loss that had suddenly hit me to feel embarrassed. She was gone. Bella was gone. And so was my still, frozen heart.

Alice just rocked me back and forth slowly, whispering comforts to me that I did not listen to. We sat there while I gasped and groaned until Esme finally came to bring us inside. I obeyed silently, not really hearing her at all.

Inside, they made no attempt to hide their shock. They all stared at me, their pitying eyes following me to the nearest chair as Esme pushed me softly into it. Their thoughts held the same pitying tone. I forced them away uselessly.

"What are you all staring at? Well?" Alice almost shouted. They all jumped and scurried in different directions. Jasper walked forward and began to ease my mind. But something inside of me told me I should suffer. _More_. More than this. I should be tortured by the fact that I left the one I loved.

"Just go, Jasper," I whispered, while Esme rubbed my shoulders.

_I really think you need to calm down a little, Edward. Let me help. Please. _Jasper thought soothingly. He could feel my mood better than I could. He knew I might snap at any second. My feelings were erratic; I felt at any moment they might shift into opposites. The buzzing of thoughts of everyone seemed to bore down on me more than ever.

Alice kept guard over me. Her small figure held a protective stance at the dining room threshold, looking into the future for nosy intruders, no doubt.

I let Jasper calm me. Esme softly stroked my cheeks, trying to soothe me. My shoulders slumped and I hung my head in defeat.

Her face never left my head. Bella's lovely chocolate brown eyes now twisted into horror and shocked understanding. Even now, as I stared into the puddle of water. All I saw was her.

I shook my head, willing myself to look away from my reflection. It was silent in the alley. I walked around aimlessly. Tracking was a waste of my time, I suppose. Maybe I would check in with Carlisle soon.

My phone vibrated for the fifth time in the past hour. It was Rosalie. How odd. I hadn't spoken to her since I left.

"Rosalie?" I answered, puzzled. My voice sounded strange to me, I had not heard it in awhile.

"Edward. Oh, Edward, finally," she said with a sigh. I could hear the subtle excitement raging in her voice. She didn't sound anything like the Rosalie I'd left behind.

"Why are you calling?" I asked in an unanimated voice.

"Nice to hear from you too, Edward," Rosalie said menacingly. I could almost hear her eyes roll. "I just thought you might want to hear what's happened." She spoke nervously now, like she was unsure how to continue, or if she should.

A million different possibilities ran through my head. When I answered, my voice was low and flat. "What is it?"

"Alice, she… saw something," she hesitated.

"Rosalie."

"Edward, it's… it's Bella," she answered reluctantly.

My body froze. Her name being said aloud set the hole ablaze in my chest. A whisper was all I could muster.

"What is it?" I breathed. My eyes were huge with fright. Rosalie didn't answer.

"Damn it, Rosalie! What _happened_?!" I cried, and the echo billowed through the narrow street. A moment passed as Rosalie decided.

"She… jumped off a cliff two days ago. She's dead, Edward. Bella's dead," Rosalie said quietly.

I hung up on Rosalie with numb fingers. My eyes felt dry as they tried to produce impossible tears. Somehow my fingers dialed Bella's home number. I held the phone to my ear, not breathing.

"Swan residence," a husky voice answered. It sounded nothing like Charlie.

"Is Charlie there? This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I asked in a shaky whisper.

"He's not here," the words were hard and cold.

"Where is he?" I asked, for once my hands shook with fright.

"He's at the funeral," the voice said unwillingly.

I felt the phone drop out of my hand.

My mouth hung open. My vision quit. My midnight had returned and my sun had exploded and fallen over the horizon. Everything good and right and clear in the world was now shredded to pieces, burnt to cinders. My whole existence meant nothing.

Love, life, meaning… over. I was a hollow shell.

A shell that needed to be destroyed.

I threw the phone into a trashcan and walked slowly to the corner of the cobbled street. I leaned against a brick building and my eyes glazed over. A new vision invaded my focus.

A young girl with dark, flowing hair. Her usual pale skin now blue with lack of oxygen. Her fingers and toes and full lips were purple. She lay there, her wet hair wild around her face. Her clothes were soaked, clinging to her frail figure.

Lifeless.

I felt my knees slam into the cobbled street. I was on all fours, gasping hugely for air. I tried frantically to inhale her scent, breathing deep, waiting for the burn. Wanting it. It didn't come.

I cried in frenzied panic. Where was I? Who was I? The confusion angered me. I lifted my fist as far back as I could and slammed it into the ground. My arm went through the stone, into the earth underneath. The sharp crack echoed through the small street. I pulled at my knotted hair, wishing somehow I could not live. Frustration and grief saturated my body. I lay on the ground now, broken.

The world was meaningless. Everything was meaningless. My existence was meaningless because she was gone. And then a small voice said _finally_. I automatically let a growl ripple through me, revolted with myself. _No, not that she's dead. _it continued. _Because now you can be, too._ Now the voice was smug, knowing it was right.

Yes. Now I could be, too.

And as soon as possibilities started flowing through my head, another part of my brain had already found the answer.

The Volturi.


	3. The Journey

I swam. I swam for days without stopping, my strength never waning. I swam deep below where I could see all the creatures I envied. These creatures knew their place in this world. Mine had been sucked up from underneath me, and now I was falling. Falling into some pit where I knew I wouldn't die, but linger forever without her.

Sometimes, as I sped through the deep blue water, I ventured back to the dim memories of my human life. Above all else, my mother. She was the most important thing in the world to me. Until I was old enough to be a soldier. War was all people spoke about, and I was in a hurry to become the hero I believed I was. But soon after, we were all dragged down, my parents and I, into our own bitter battle for our lives. We were all deathly ill, but my father was the first to leave. I dimly remember him humming a tune I used to play on the piano. It stuck with me through all these years; through the burning, through the murders, through the twists and turns of being a monster, because it seemed to be a part of him. I'd like to believe monsters like me were at least allowed to remember the essence of the ones we loved before. This was his.

He would sit out on our porch once dusk had swallowed the sky whole, and I was sent to bed. I would open my creaky bedroom window, which was just above him, and listen to him hum that same melancholy tune and exhale in a slow puff. He only smoked his pipe alone, or so he thought. Sometimes I saw the feathery wafts of smoke from under the wooden overhanging, but I could always smell it as it drifted toward me. I would hear the screen door creak as my mother leaned out, telling him to come to bed. He would always obey, except on special nights when he took her by the wrists and dragged her out into the front yard, always laughing, and danced with her under the sky. I would sit with my chin in my hands, staring off, up into the stars, where I could see God watching down on the only two people I knew to deserve to be with Him.

I wondered where I would go. Hell, maybe. Would I burn for eternity? The thought didn't scare me. I welcomed it into my numb arms, and held it close to my broken heart. Hell would be _somewhere._ What if I just drifted in a mass of nothingness? That would surely be worse. I could never be with her, so anywhere else would seem like Hell anyways. I would never be delivered to Heaven. I had no soul, I had killed human beings. I had killed Bella.

I kept only the clothes on my back, and nothing else. I let a ferry take me out far enough and dove into the cerulean waters. I may have been swimming for weeks before I found land again. I knew it was Africa when my throat ached with the thirst of wild blood. It smelled different, like it had never received proper nutrition. The sunken faces of these primal beings pushed me on, as did the pleading thought that I shouldn't find one's blood that I couldn't resist.

When I made it to Madrid, I stole clothing and new shoes. All of this was routine; I barely had to think about it. All the while, as I made my way to Volterra, I planned. Sometimes making up silly things to throw Alice off. As I got closer, two clear plans lay before me. If they agreed to do the deed, I would have it done immediately. If they refused, I would find a way to risk our discovery; that way they would not have a choice but to kill me quickly. I ran these plans over and over in my head for days, the only other activity the Italian clamor that came at me from every angle.

I tried everything to keep Bella out of my head, but sometimes when I was isolated by the sun, I'd see a flicker of her face in someone else's, and fall to the ground with physical pain without being touched.

Guilt was not enough. It was more than that, this intense feeling that pierced straight through my solidified bones. It could cut marble, tear stone hearts into shreds, spill the advanced brain of a killer onto the ground without effort. It was an affliction that choked me, making me helpless like a child. I thought wildly sometimes during an episode, wondering if Jasper's brain would burst with this lethal feeling if he were to find me. I had never felt anything like it.

No, I wasn't numb. I'd prayed that I could be. I prayed that she had drifted up to be with Him, side by side. I wished she would see me down here, and forgive me for what I had done to her. But God doesn't waste precious time on monsters.

I reached the walls of Volterra, right on time. It was St. Marcus Day, and there would be an enormous crowd. Waiting to see a killer die. I smiled cynically, but my lips were dead already. I realized I was doing the world a favor. This realization quickened my step, and I was at the entrance to the Volturi's dungeons before I could think about it anymore.

I heard guards sense my presence, and soon light footsteps could be heard down the endless hallways of my departure place.

* * *

Sorry guys, I know this is short. But I really wanted to start a new chapter (which is probably going to be VERY long) with the Volturi in it, not at the end of this one. I'm having a fun time writing it, so I hope you enjoy reading it! Please review, it makes me happy and encourages me to finish. Thanks again!


	4. Chapter 4

I know you're disappointed this isn't the next chapter! But I have a favor to ask.

I haven't opened New Moon in awhile and kind of forget the details of Edward's plans/time in Volterra with the Volturi. SO, if someone can give me a summary of all the Volterra chapters..

I PROMISE I will write you the next chapter within _two_ days. Cross my heart! Just send it in a message; the quicker I get it the quicker I'll write it!

Thanks for being so patient!


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